Glossary

Our Technical Support replies in the newsgroups often go something like this.
Now, we bring you the * truth * about what they are actually saying.

Reply:	Translation:
"You are due for a callback tomorrow at X o'clock"	"Unplug the phone - you won't be needing it"
"I've escalated this up to XYZ Dept"	"I've passed this to someone else to ignore, as I am ignoring as much as I can already."
"Follow Ups (FUs) Set."	"I'm going to send the rest of the messages in this thread to alt.dev.null as I really can't be bothered to answer these people anymore."
"We are aware of an outage."	"Yes, we know it's FUBAR, we know that you know it's FUBAR, but we're passing the buck as usual, so now, it's someone else's problem."
"XYZ is due to be upgraded"	"XYZ is going to be upgraded because we bought the cheapest bit of kit that we could find in the first place, and then sat here crossing our fingers hoping that it was actually going to work properly."
"The news server"	"That 386 over there in the corner."
"The Mail Server"	"That 386 over there next to the news server."
"The Mail is delayed"	"Oops, we forgot to plug the kettle lead back into the PC after that last tea break."
"I'm unable to reproduce the problem here"	"Nyeahhh, mine works"
"I don't think the Installer was totally accurate there."	"He was talking a load of bollards"
Installer: "We'll be back tommorow..."	"Cheers mate... I'm of to the pub now and I'm not coming back"

This table allows you to translate what our Marketing people are saying:

Reply:	Translation:
"The Internet 10 times faster than (a 56k modem)"	"The Internet 10 times faster than ( a 56k modem ) providing that it was really badly configured, held together with sticky tape and connected to 2 tin cans and a length of damp string"
"We're really pleased to be able to offer our newsgroup readers another superb offer from bulbyonder."	"You're on our list, so we're going to spam you even if you do already have broadband"

Thanks to Andy Tillbrook, Bill Iles and Dan Elwell for these translations.

This table allows you to translate buzzwords used in Marketing and Newsgroup postings:

Reply:	Translation:
Direct Debit	HeHe lets milk em dry
Dial-up	Don't bother just get HSI
Kind Regards	Don't moan just pay ur bill's
Lies	What's them
Soon	As soon as u upgrade to sky
Support	We will allway's try to help you, but will keep u on our 50p PM lines as long as we can
Conspiracy Theory	Thats a very close guess
Check Modem	That'll keep them busy till we fix it
Newbie Guide	Advanced material beyond Supports ability to maintain.
FAQ	Hey, waddya think we are, the library of Alexandria?!
BDSM	Blueyonder Dial-up Support Muppet.
HSI	High Speed Interface snicker
Client Side Diagnostics Tool	It's free, it's downloadable. Wasssaaat?
Blueyonder Install CD	Shiny coaster.
Customer	Income stream.
Shareholder	Free marketeer who passes all risk back to the customer.
Web Site	Adverts, adverts, and more adverts.
Refund	See "Customer".
Phone help	A way of keeping your arm bent for 2 hours
Customer service	Waaaassssssssaaaaaaat
Advice on cache	As many different versions as there are staff in the TW organisation
A happy customer	Someone without a phone
A very happy customer	Someone without a phone or a computer
Pay-as-you-go	A system of hiding more charges than you can shake a mouse at
What are News Groups for	A fun way of having 'in' jokes 'with' BY ;¬]]
TCP/IP	Telewest Customer Profile / Income Proctection
NIC	Network Installation Card snigger

Thanks to Charles E Hardwidge, "peter", "xtc", Kevin B and Greg Sinclair for these translations.